REFLECTION

Today was day 16 of radiation. It was another typical day and everything went as planned. We played with play-doh and took silly pictures while waiting for his treatment. Strange to say that something as serious as Radiation is “just another day”, but in our world now it is.

I feel like I’m settling into this full time mom thing. I’m starting to learn how to keep Caleb entertained without also driving myself crazy. Each day has to be the perfect mix of play, rest, and “getting things done”. 

Prior to finding Caleb’s brain tumor, I ran my own business. The kids were in school full time and each day was perfectly planned out, split between driving the kids to and from school, exercising, grocery shopping, meal prep, answering emails, editing weddings, going on corporate shoots, doing laundry, and the list goes on and on. Each day was different but each day had its own plan and I was used to running my life efficiently to get as much done as I could during the day when the kids were at school. 

From the second I entered TV Production class in high school I knew that was the career I wanted. Being a TV Producer and then business owner was so much a part of my identity. I backed that off a little bit when the kids were first born but it’s always been a part of my life. Now for the first time I am forced to give up working completely. I know it’s just for now but I don’t know where this break will lead me when I start up again. I have a passion for documenting people’s lives and I know that I always want to do that in some way. Oddly enough with this blog and all that is going on I have been forced to turn that passion into documenting my own life. And I know that some day things will go back to “normal” and hopefully these hard times will be some of my best memories with Caleb and our family and I will be grateful for it. I really hope that we get there someday.

I say all of this not to complain or be negative. Just to say that for the first time in my life something truly changed my life drastically. All my plans and everything I worked so hard for ended the moment Caleb had his seizure. And when we were riding in the ambulance to Brandon Hospital, I sat there and prayed and told God that if he would just get Caleb through this I would give up everything in my life to take care of him, no matter what. And I still feel that way.

Now that we are in a pretty normal routine and we aren’t just “busy” with appointments, it’s given me a lot of time to reflect on this stage of my life. I wouldn’t trade this responsibility for anything. It’s not MY plan to be here, but it’s God’s plan, for whatever reason. I try to just roll with each day and not think about all the things I could have been doing or should be doing. I’m just trying to stay focused on Caleb and Tyler and our family and give them the best life possible here.

I’ll leave off tonight with a couple little funny pics/stories. The picture of Caleb on the bed is how we rest on my bed when we get home. The King has all of his food on a tray and his iPad to watch. We try to stay in the bedroom because James is working in our living room currently. But Caleb doesn’t seem to mind.

To end our evening Tyler had to do his homework, so naturally Caleb wanted to do “homework” too! It was so cute. They sat together and talked about letters and did their “homework”. They are the best and those little moments make this all worth it!